FORT REGENT BECOMES OPEN PRISON FOR REPEAT YOUTH OFFENDERS

Once a place for childhood fun, soon HMP Fort Regent will be a

home for every teenage drunk, arsonist and sex pest in the Island.

FORT Regent is to be given a new lease of life as Jersey’s first open prison. The 27 acre white elephant overlooking town will finally have a purpose housing the degenerate and drunken youth of the Island who insist on getting pissed, burning things and complaining that the States don’t provide anything for them to do unlike their stamp collecting, aeroplane enthusiast peers.

Following the States new ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’ campaign that began with the boarding up of the old swimming pool, any youth convicted of a second offence - be it speeding, cockfighting or organising a military overthrow of the Government  - will be issued with a one way ticket to HMP Fort Regent.

The five Active Card members who currently use the sports facilities at the Fort have said that they’ll miss the smell of sweaty gym socks, veruca cream and asbestos that pervade the building. Steve Pearce, who has used the Fort every day for the past 15 years commented

“I’ll miss the winding dark corridors to the squash courts that evoke Jack the Ripper London,  but I guess I’ll just have to stump up for a Fitness First membership like everyone else.”

The conversion cost for the project is estimated to be some £14.5million. Commenting on the figure, the Home Affairs Minster said

“Admittedly we could spend this vast amount of money on a comprehensive youth rehabilitation programme AND create a state of the art sports and entertainment facility at the Fort – but frankly we’re never going to get anyone to perform in an auditorium over here; just look how shit Simply the Best was. But it’s killing two birds with one stone if we turn it into a Prison! I’ve seen kids like these in my days as a Magistrate, better to stick them in one place and let them fight it out for clean needles in the Jungle Gym Ball and Syringe Pit.”

All guards at the Prison will be dressed as the former leisure centre’s mascot Humphrey the Lion. As one of the guards commented

"There’s nothing like coming off a high of weed killer and mothballs to see a 6ft 5 anthropomorphic lion armed with a sub machine gun telling you to strip to put you off a life of crime”

“We’re thinking of putting cameras in and broadcasting it live on Channel TV. It’ll be a bit like Battle Royale meets Funhouse.”

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BREAKING NEWS: TREASURY DEPARTMENT CONFIRMS THAT IT WILL WED PLANNING AND ENVIRONMENT THIS SPRING

Senator Ozouf said he was the 'Happiest Minister in the World' at the

official engagement ceremony this morning. 

14 HOUR DEBATE SEES STATES APPROVE WAGE RISE FOR TEA LADY

From our States Reporter

A lengthy session in the States Chamber over Tuesday and Wednesday of this week has led to an almost unanimous decision approving an increase in the wages of the States Assembly Tea Lady, Maureen Le Quelenec, from £7.71 to £7.75 an hour (before Social Security, GST and voluntary compulsory contribution to the pension fund).  

Despite Deputy Tadier's proposed Amendment that all hot beverages served by Ms Le Quelenec be selected by Committee, reviewed by an independent Scrutiny Committee, and that all tea be picked by wild roaming non-oligarchy monkeys, the matter was passed with little opposition after each States Member had made their customary floor speech in support - ranging between twenty two minutes and two and three quarter hours.   

The Chief Minister concluded the fourteen hour session by stating that this was just the sort of approach that the public of Jersey could expect from the Assembly and that they would give their fullest attention to every single wage rise and salary package from now on.  Unless of course a situation arose where the job being considered was actually important and they needed someone with some real qualifications that wouldn’t work for peanuts and an appreciative slap on the buttocks when the Jammy Dodgers were being handed out – in those situations a six figure salary was the bare minimum to be offered.  

The Tea Lady in question, Ms Le Quelenec (54) of St Brelade, said that really she "didn't care all that much for the job” and wished that she’d “stayed on working in the canteen at Victoria College Prep.  At least there the temper tantrums were understandable - along with the occasional bloody nose and pants wetting. ”

Asked if there was a preference amongst the Assembly for the biscuits served with their tea she said that it was generally Jammy Dodgers and Hobnobs all around, although a couple of the members of the Council of Ministers did enjoy a good chocolate finger. 

ISLANDERS SUDDENLY REALISE THAT ROADS ARE A BIT SHIT

A driver experiences minor road issues this morning.

The JEP are once again the saviours of the Island by drawing people’s attention to the bloody obvious. Adrian Rabet from St Lawrence said

"It dawned on me this morning when I was reading the JEP that perhaps I shouldn’t be standing on the pavement ankle deep in rainwater and raw sewage whilst I waited for the Number 27 to St Helier."

Siobhan, a mother from St Mary, complained that she’d had to abandon her nearly new Range Rover after attempting to drive through what she thought was a puddle on La Grande Route de St Jean (to intentionally soak some Haute Valle students) but which turned out to be 4ft wide and 6ft deep pot hole.

“Anything could have happened, I barely got Tarquin and Melinda out of the back seat before the front of the car went under water. And we were near the Zoo; there could have been fucking crocodiles in there!”

Cyclists are fairing little better. James, who cycles regularly to work, told us that he had noticed a marked deterioration in the roads.

“I didn’t mind a bit of rough terrain a couple of years back, but it’s like an off-road challenge getting into town now.  I can’t even be bothered any more after the seat got rammed up my arse doing a 360° off the ramp at the bottom of Beaumont Hill.”

He is not holding out much hope for quick repairs though.

“The Japanese rebuilt some of their Highways two weeks after the Tsunami, whilst their infrastructure was screwed and there was a nuclear meltdown going on. It took months for the States to rebuild about 10 foot of the sea wall after the 2010 storms. Even then Guy du Faye had to stick his name on it in big fuck off letters.”

TTS were having a break when we called for a quote. All fourteen times.

TOWN PARK BATTERY AND LIGHT ARMS DEPOT PLANS REJECTED

Nothing sinister going on here. Or is there?

JERSEY Police have questioned the Planning Department’s decision not to incorporate barbed wire, concrete moats and movement activated artillery into the plans for the security of the new Town Park. In a Press Release issued today, the Chief of Police commented that their proposed amendments for specific areas of the park, including the 'Reg le Brocq Memorial Gazebo and Mine Field' had been completely ignored.  

“As if a small set of railings will stop the hoards of drunks, paedophiles and drug dealers that we expect will descend on the area on a daily basis” he told our Reporter. “Sure, they may stop kids running into the road, but what effect will they have on a helicopter drop of 150 kilos of the purest Columbian Charlie? “

“We have strong concerns about the safety of the play area, the kiosk, the toilets, the lawn, the interactive water jets, the Gardener’s store, the practice area, the Clear Stem Bosque and Story Telling Area, the entry plaza, the Water Curtain, the Pergola Walk and the gardens” said an official Police spokesman. “The planned petanque area and Nudist Bathing Zone on the south east side could also be a problem.”

“We would be happy to see at least some of our ideas incorporated into the overall design, perhaps just the pillboxes and machine gun dugouts. We’ve all had the latest training, and at least 4 officers have reached the Extreme setting on Call of Duty: Black Ops.”

“And telephone boxes with microphones in. Lots of them”

The Planning Department were unavailable for comment, but today released the Minister’s further amendments to the Island Plan including a 60ft phallus made of polished granite for the North Coast, a Social Housing development, also of granite, next to St Ouen’s Pond and a new solid granite Arrivals Terminal at the Airport.

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