FORT REGENT BECOMES OPEN PRISON FOR REPEAT YOUTH OFFENDERS

Once a place for childhood fun, soon HMP Fort Regent will be a

home for every teenage drunk, arsonist and sex pest in the Island.

FORT Regent is to be given a new lease of life as Jersey’s first open prison. The 27 acre white elephant overlooking town will finally have a purpose housing the degenerate and drunken youth of the Island who insist on getting pissed, burning things and complaining that the States don’t provide anything for them to do unlike their stamp collecting, aeroplane enthusiast peers.

Following the States new ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’ campaign that began with the boarding up of the old swimming pool, any youth convicted of a second offence - be it speeding, cockfighting or organising a military overthrow of the Government  - will be issued with a one way ticket to HMP Fort Regent.

The five Active Card members who currently use the sports facilities at the Fort have said that they’ll miss the smell of sweaty gym socks, veruca cream and asbestos that pervade the building. Steve Pearce, who has used the Fort every day for the past 15 years commented

“I’ll miss the winding dark corridors to the squash courts that evoke Jack the Ripper London,  but I guess I’ll just have to stump up for a Fitness First membership like everyone else.”

The conversion cost for the project is estimated to be some £14.5million. Commenting on the figure, the Home Affairs Minster said

“Admittedly we could spend this vast amount of money on a comprehensive youth rehabilitation programme AND create a state of the art sports and entertainment facility at the Fort – but frankly we’re never going to get anyone to perform in an auditorium over here; just look how shit Simply the Best was. But it’s killing two birds with one stone if we turn it into a Prison! I’ve seen kids like these in my days as a Magistrate, better to stick them in one place and let them fight it out for clean needles in the Jungle Gym Ball and Syringe Pit.”

All guards at the Prison will be dressed as the former leisure centre’s mascot Humphrey the Lion. As one of the guards commented

"There’s nothing like coming off a high of weed killer and mothballs to see a 6ft 5 anthropomorphic lion armed with a sub machine gun telling you to strip to put you off a life of crime”

“We’re thinking of putting cameras in and broadcasting it live on Channel TV. It’ll be a bit like Battle Royale meets Funhouse.”

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