TOWN PARK BATTERY AND LIGHT ARMS DEPOT PLANS REJECTED

Nothing sinister going on here. Or is there?

JERSEY Police have questioned the Planning Department’s decision not to incorporate barbed wire, concrete moats and movement activated artillery into the plans for the security of the new Town Park. In a Press Release issued today, the Chief of Police commented that their proposed amendments for specific areas of the park, including the 'Reg le Brocq Memorial Gazebo and Mine Field' had been completely ignored.  

“As if a small set of railings will stop the hoards of drunks, paedophiles and drug dealers that we expect will descend on the area on a daily basis” he told our Reporter. “Sure, they may stop kids running into the road, but what effect will they have on a helicopter drop of 150 kilos of the purest Columbian Charlie? “

“We have strong concerns about the safety of the play area, the kiosk, the toilets, the lawn, the interactive water jets, the Gardener’s store, the practice area, the Clear Stem Bosque and Story Telling Area, the entry plaza, the Water Curtain, the Pergola Walk and the gardens” said an official Police spokesman. “The planned petanque area and Nudist Bathing Zone on the south east side could also be a problem.”

“We would be happy to see at least some of our ideas incorporated into the overall design, perhaps just the pillboxes and machine gun dugouts. We’ve all had the latest training, and at least 4 officers have reached the Extreme setting on Call of Duty: Black Ops.”

“And telephone boxes with microphones in. Lots of them”

The Planning Department were unavailable for comment, but today released the Minister’s further amendments to the Island Plan including a 60ft phallus made of polished granite for the North Coast, a Social Housing development, also of granite, next to St Ouen’s Pond and a new solid granite Arrivals Terminal at the Airport.

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