JERSEY CIVIL SERVANTS TO DRINK RECYCLED URINE

STAFF working for the government in Jersey will be required to store, distil and drink the water extracted from their own urine to meet new environmental targets set by the States.

All States of Jersey departments have to reduce energy and water consumption by 10% and cut the "harmful effects of travel" by 15%.

Faeces from the toilets at all States premises will also be separated from other waste and stored in a spare office at Cyril Le Marquand House until it can be used to insulate the roof of the building. The office, believed to be on the same floor as the Income Tax Department, is where other distasteful States refuse - including old election manifestos and all of Ted Vibert’s petitions - can be found. Asked if they were worried about a possible leak of toxic material, the Income Tax Department said it was highly unlikely that any of the 2010 tax returns would manage to seep into the room.

Richard Pritchard, from the Environment Department told Utter Crapaud

“On the energy front we have looked into the viability of a Matrix-like solution where all States employees are ‘plugged’ into our power network and we run the computers and air conditioning system off the energy we convert from their body heat. Unfortunately the only way we’ve established to do this so far is by using a cross between a big fuck-off anal dildo and a colonic irrigation system. Frankly we haven’t had the biggest uptake.”

“Our dream is to one day have all public sector workers come into the office in the morning, lube up, bend over and take one for the team; pretty much like we’ve been doing to the general public all these years.”

As far as transport goes, pogo sticks, unicycles and space hoppers are being distributed by DVS to the various other departments for their use. One DVS employee commented

“If we’re not going to be able to deal with cars anymore, at least we can have a fucking good laugh at everyone else’s expense”.

It is also reported that Deputy Wimberley will circulate around the Island on a tandem bicycle picking up any stragglers trying to walk in from St Catherine.

The Environment Department have agreed the targets are tough, but have denied that the urine recycling scheme is taking things to far.

"We’ve been taking the piss for years. It’s time we gave some back."

BREAKING NEWS: RETIREMENT AGE PUSHED TO POST DEATH

A Delighted Ian Gorst today

Social Security Minister Ian Gorst today revealed that he has been a zombie for the duration of his States career and that he hopes that his success as an undead Politician will lead others to consider working not only past retirement, but past death as well.

In fact, the Minister plans to bring a proposal to the States in the coming months that will see the retirement age pushed to at least ten years after death, in a bid to tackle the next financial crisis looming for the Island.

Dressed in a gray suit with pallid skin and a sombre face, Mr Gorst (known as Igorst to friends) was every bit the picture of health for a man ten years past vitality. He told Utter Crapaud

“This scheme will finally be the breakthrough that Social Security has been looking for all these years! It will enable the public to keep on working until the world ends, or until the States deficit has been paid off – whichever comes first.”

“We’re faced with an aging population and our choices are limited – massive taxation or living death. In essence you have the option for either the Treasury and Resources Department to bleed you dry or for a vampire to do it; so it’s Senator Ozouf whichever path you choose.

The response of the general public has been mixed to positive. Mark Duchemin from St Lawrence told us

“I’ve worked as a senior accounts clerk for a mid sized trust company for the last twenty years. I can’t see how eternity as a middle management zombie would be any different.”

Ransoms have reported a moderate boost in the sales of garlic, wooden steaks and pitchforks.

BREAKING NEWS: THERE IS SOME WEATHER HAPPENING, OUT WITH THE GENERIC WEATHER STORY TEMPLATE!

[*Delete as appropriate]

Dust off your [barbecue/ husky sled]!

Local meteorologists were astounded today that we might actually be having some really [hot/cold] weather that is different to the usual [cold/hot] weather that we have every time this year.

This weather may in fact be the [hottest/coldest] type of weather since records began sometime in the [1800s/mid-sixties].

It is so [hot/cold] in fact that some Jersey cows have [spontaneously combusted/ started producing ice cream].

It is likely to get even [hotter/colder] later in the month with temperatures expected to reach [1740.0 °C/ absolute zero].

       
Forecaster, Jeremy Foot, said: "We will see a [lovely day/blizzard] today; temperatures should reach a point where [the pavement melts/ your testicals freeze and fall off].

[Insert generic weather forecast picture drawn by a child]:

ADVERTISING SPACE FOR SALE ON JERSEY FLAG

A GROUP of Jersey flag enthusiasts are reportedly horrified to have learnt that the States are intent on selling advertising space on the Island flag to local and national companies.

A competitive pricing scheme will see a yearly rental of £100,000 for a full quadrant of the flag, £50,000 for half a quadrant and £10,000 for the space on the back. [Is this right? – Ed]

A spokesperson from the Chief Minister’s office said

“Look at all that white space! The flag’s original designers must have known that one day there would be a lucrative opportunity for us to cream money off the back of the symbol of our Island’s independence.”

She also handed us a draft of how the 2011/2012 flag design may look:

 

A leading member of the Jersey Flag Group told us

“This is just one of the many sort of things we don’t approve of! In fact, we’ve drawn up quite a comprehensive guide to how the flag should look, its dimensions, days when it should be flown, days when it shouldn’t be flown…”

An extract from the 482 point guide is as follows:

‘The flag should never be flown if:

a) It is frayed

b) It is upside down

c) A member of the Royal Family is wearing yellow

d) The Bailiff’s trousers have caught fire

e) The Island is underwater

f) The leopards are facing away from the flagpole

g) The leopards are humping the flagpole

h) One of the leopards has run away

i) The second Thursday of the current month coincides with a full moon

j) …

The guide is also very clear on which other flags may NOT be flown in Jersey:



NO!

 NO!!!

 

DEFINITELY BLOODY NOT!!!

 

ARBITRARY SPEED LIMITS FOR ISLAND ROADS

The Transport minister, Constable Mike Jackson, wants to see arbitrary speed limits in force throughout the island.

If changes go ahead, the limit on nearly 200 miles of roads will be randomly generated on a day to day basis by a TTS supercomputer and then posted live to the roadside using wireless LED signs.

TTS are currently running an online simulation of the programme which they hope will confuse and scare so many drivers that it will effectively bring traffic in the Island to a standstill, thereby preventing any accidents that may occur as a result of reckless driving.

As an example, a trip from town to the Airport this Wednesday would see a leisurely crawl of 25mph along the La Route de St Aubin, dropping to 15mph along La Route de La Haule, before a 70mph sprint up Route de Beaumont, followed by 40mph along L’Avenue de La Reine Elizabeth II, dropping briefly to 10mph outside St Peter’s Garden Centre.

The supercomputer also has the option to reverse the direction of traffic along major routes, and to impose pointless diversions that would lead drivers on a ten mile round journey to reach a destination achievable by exiting the car and walking ten metres. These diversions will be put in place by a specially constructed algorithm that ensures they come into effect at the most awkward times, for example the first day back after school holidays, or when a small child in the car desperately requires the toilet.    

Looking at the data generated by the simulation, the Minister questioned if the policy had actually been in effect for the last 10 years, but nobody had bothered telling the public.

JERSEY BORN ‘SON’ OF DARTH VADER TO TAKE CASE TO ECHR

A Jerseyman who claims he is the illegitimate son of Lord Vader is taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights.

Mr Luke Skywalker (56) of St Mary has spent eight years trying to prove his identity.

He now wants the European Court to rule that the Sith Government is discriminating against illegitimate children in their rights to the Imperial succession.

Mr Skywalker is adamant he is the love child of Darth Vader, who died a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

Mr Skywalker said: "I recently became one with the force and met with the disembodied spirit of a former Jersey Jedi who told me that despite thinking my father was a spider crab trawlerman from Victoria Village, I was actually the son of a Dark Lord of the Sith destined to bring balance to the force. Clearly a Jedi wouldn’t just make that that up!”

In 1955, the year Mr Skywalker was born, Lord Vader, then Anakin Skywalker, and Padme Amadala were making headlines.

Mr Skywalker is not claiming to know who his mother is, but his evidence that Lord Vader is his father is based on somewhat flimsy memories.

He believes that, as a child, he met Lord Varder onboard an Imperial Star Destroyer and was told that one day they would rule the Galaxy as Father and Son.

Luke Skywalker has long battled to inspect the wills of Lord Vader and former Emperor Palpatine - because he believes they may hold clues to his identity.

But in 2008, the Royal Court branded his motives irrational and scandalous.

Now, with heading to the European Court of Human Rights, he is trying a different tact.

Mr Skywalker claims the Sith Government is ignoring the rights of illegitimate children when it comes to Imperial succession. He says if he wins his case, government officials would no longer be able to say the disclosure of an illegitimate child would damage the Intergalactic Empire.

The European Court of Human Rights has acknowledged Mr Skywalker's application, and says it is being processed.

But even if he gets his case heard, it will not mean he has any rights to succession, as Mr Skywalker still faces the problem of proving he is one with the force.

UTTER CRAPAUD NOW ON TWITTER

You can now follow Utter Crapaud on Twitter for your daily dose of satire laden newspeak.

Follow us now:

ST OUEN TO SECEDE FROM STATES AND FORM WESTERN CONFEDERACY

ST. Ouen announced this morning that it has had enough of being the butt of Island jokes and intends to secede from the States to form an internationally recognised independent territory in the west of the Island.

Road blocks appeared overnight on Le Chemin de L’Eglise, Mont de Sainte Marie and the Five Mile Road controlling 95% of the access into the Parish. All motorists approaching the barricades were turned back by members of the Jersey Rifle Association brandishing shotguns, pistols, AK47s and a remarkably well maintained Occupation-era anti tank gun. Cannon shots were also reported to have been fired from the top of Kempt Tower Vistor Centre at Condor Vitesse as it passed along the coast.  

Former Connetable Jean “Drystonewall” Ecobichon has been elected Chief Minister of the independent state by the popular vote and has set up Ministerial Headquarters at the Old Farmers Inn. He has demanded that the other Parishes concede immediately that not all St Ouennais are inbred, tractor driving, patois speaking farmhands. Some of them now also speak English.

It is speculated that members of St Ouen Executive are already in talks with the people of St. Peter to join with them in forming a Western Confederacy, united against the other parishes that too often have favoured Town and the East. Their agreement may be moot in any event, as Utter Crapaud has learnt that a St Ouennais expeditionary force was dispatched in the early hours of the morning to capture Big Verns and Les Mielles Golf Club.  Mr Ecobichon told Utter Crapaud in his first official interview that

“We now control 80% of the Island’s dolmen supplies and the best bloody surfing in the hemisphere. If you want to play golf you better get used to playing by Confederacy Rules. The Royal can fuck right off.”

Security has been stepped up by Trinity Honorary Police at The Hungry Man who fear that St Ouen aims to consolidate its hold on morning-after-the-night-before hangover food with The Splash, El Tico and Big Verns already in its grasp.

Until St Peter concedes to join the Confederacy, aeroplanes will not be permitted to fly over St Ouen airspace and the Les Landes battery has been brought back into active service. Utter Crapaud has learnt that some technical difficulties with the rangefinder have so far led to the demolishing of St George’s Estate, the remains of Grosnez Castle and an ice-cream van parked at La Braye Slipway.
  

Reports from our Business Editor have shown that the City has responded favourably to the succession and that the Parish intends to market itself as an alternative tax haven, offering a 10% income tax rate and 0% GST. The St. Ouennais Executive expect a rush in migration when these figures are made public. Oil has also been reported to have been struck at La Saline.

There will be a live televised rally at 7pm tonight on Channel TV from the former Les Landes Racecourse (now the St Ouen Peoples Parade Ground and Military Barracks) where the Western Chief Minister and First Sisterwife Mrs Ecobicon will be taking the salute.

APRIL FOOLING AROUND ANSWER REVEALED

FOR all those curious readers out there, the answer to Friday’s April Fools question was B.

In October 2010, BBC Jersey ran the online Headline “‘Catstrophic decline’ of shags”.

Don’t believe us? Here it is:

 

SEQUEL TO INDIE CLASSIC ‘THE BEACH’ TO BE FILMED AT PORTELET BAY DEVELOPMENT

THE redeveloped site of the former Pontins holiday camp at Portelet is to become the setting for the follow up to the year 2000 blockbuster movie ‘The Beach’ starring Leonardo DiCaprio. The plot picks up ten years after the last left off. The protagonist Richard; former backpacker, pleasure seeker and  bong hitter, has returned to England and is now leading the life of a lonely investment banker miserably wishing he was a decade younger and surrounded by semi-naked promiscuous French women.

A secret map and glossy ‘artist’s impression’ brochure pushed under his office door by the mysterious character known only as ‘Dan Dare’ promises a release from his nights of Sainsburys Ready Meals and guilty masturbation.  It tells of a divine world of ‘majestic shorelines, pristine air and personal oases’ – all complimented by neutral furniture and deceptive photography.  

For only £69 plus booking fee, luggage fee, seat booking fee, toilet fee, lifejacket fee and oxygen fee Richard secures a flight to Jersey.  But instead of the carefree village of drunken, gurning twenty-somethings that he left in Thailand, he finds the even more forbidden world of 1(1)K residents living in a secret gated commune with access to their own private beach.

Accepted into the community by ‘The Agent’ Richard marvels at the lengths the residents will go to ensure their privacy and tax status are kept secret. Within just a few short days of joining he is invited to take pot shots off the cliffs with a BB Gun  at the ‘Outsiders’ who are trying to gain access to the beach on surfboards. The Outsiders, Richard is told, are the others who live on the Island and believe they should be able to share the beach with the commune. But it is completely and utterly forbidden. Some Outsiders, one commune member tells Richard in disgust, own only one car.

The Director told Jersey Crapaud 

“You thought you saw some disgusting scenes in Slumdog Millionaire, 28 Days Later and Trainspotting. At least the rats in those films didn’t wear suits and tell you about the 'dramatic granite cliffs, with the sea rolling in to an idyllic sandy cove with quizzical rock formations.' We wanted to portray the most hedonistic community that mankind could imagine stuffed into 46 apartments and 7 houses.”

“And the inhabitants are just as captivatingly disturbing. The dead baby scene in Trainspotting has got nothing on a 7 stone, 40 year old Yummy Mummy giving into temptation and hoovering up a Waitrose Raspberry Pavlova like it was a line of crack before downing her 11am glass of Chablis.”

The developers of the site were keen to promote the film

“We hope that this will be the first in our sponsored movie series; we intend to shoot a new version of the Wizard of Oz with Narina Pallot as Dorothy when The Beach 2 wraps. In it Doroth will go on a quest for planning permission to the Emerald City, encountering an increasing number of straw men on the way, before finally meeting the Great Big Head and getting everything she asked for; after all there’s no place like home... or even 182 new homes (with communal terrace and underground parking)!”

“We’d originally intended on housing the Munchkins in Spectrum, but they complained the rooms were too small.”

YOUR MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER'S HAIRDRESSER TO BECOME ARTS CENTRE PATRON

An artists impression of the new Auditorium interior

CAFÉ JAC at the Jersey Arts Centre will start a £1 million refit next month, backed by hairdresser and part-time actress Jane Mauleverer (42) of St Clement. As well as being a member of the Jersey Green Room Club, JADC, ACT, the Samares Players and the Benests of Millbrook Wandering Minstrels, Mrs Mauleverer has also been an extra in Midsomer Murders, was interviewed by ITV2 whilst queuing for The X Factor auditions and once opened a fete in Shrewsbury.

The extension to Café JAC will come as a relief to anyone who has queued in the pissing rain with a hangover on a Saturday morning for a seat at the curiously popular venue, before chomping down on an artery clogging Big JAC. Consistent complaints about queues for the free water refills and lack of seating in the Pretentious Art Nook have led the owners and Arts Centre Management to rethink the layout of the entire venue.  

From September of this year the auditorium will be transformed into a full service café and restaurant with licensed shots bar and cocktail lounge, whilst all performances will be moved to the al fresco decking area, with folding chairs or beanbags available for the audience.

An Arts Centre spokesperson commented

“Frankly, we only fill about four or five rows of seats for every show, except when the Eisteddfod is on and then we get shitloads of simpering parents come to watch their snotty eleven year old recite ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling, as if they were the next Poet Laureate. It’s either that or the schools forcing pubescent teenagers to sit through an interpretative dance version of Hamlet.  The most successful play we hosted this year had the word ‘cock’ in it about every 30 seconds, and even then people left at the interval.” 

Mrs Mauleverer said that she was

“proud to be doing [her] bit for the local arts and beverage industry”

and is sure

“people will want some entertainment whilst they queue to get into the Berni Nightclub and Lounge. Why pay £40 to watch a televised version of Tosca and all that shit at the Opera House when you can see a drag version of the Best of Broadway here and get hammered at the same time?"

The Jersey Arts Centre has become infamous locally for its groundbreaking and edgy young persons theatre group YoofARTED who often incorporate nudity or swearing into their work; a trend the group hope to continue in their Summer 2011 musical mash up of The Vagina Monologues and RENT simply entitled ‘C**T’.

APRIL FOOLING AROUND

Here at UTTER CRAPAUD we’re doing things a bit differently this April Fools day!

Whilst most news sites post a spoof story with their real ones, we’re asking you to spot the real headline from amidst our regular line-up of lies and half-truths.

Which of these headlines has appeared in local media (be it in print or online) in last 12 months?

Is it:

a) Police finger rowdy youths in St Helier!

b) Catastrophic decline of shags!

c) Pensioner struck by unruly seaman!

An unruly Seaman today