ST OUEN TO SECEDE FROM STATES AND FORM WESTERN CONFEDERACY

ST. Ouen announced this morning that it has had enough of being the butt of Island jokes and intends to secede from the States to form an internationally recognised independent territory in the west of the Island.

Road blocks appeared overnight on Le Chemin de L’Eglise, Mont de Sainte Marie and the Five Mile Road controlling 95% of the access into the Parish. All motorists approaching the barricades were turned back by members of the Jersey Rifle Association brandishing shotguns, pistols, AK47s and a remarkably well maintained Occupation-era anti tank gun. Cannon shots were also reported to have been fired from the top of Kempt Tower Vistor Centre at Condor Vitesse as it passed along the coast.  

Former Connetable Jean “Drystonewall” Ecobichon has been elected Chief Minister of the independent state by the popular vote and has set up Ministerial Headquarters at the Old Farmers Inn. He has demanded that the other Parishes concede immediately that not all St Ouennais are inbred, tractor driving, patois speaking farmhands. Some of them now also speak English.

It is speculated that members of St Ouen Executive are already in talks with the people of St. Peter to join with them in forming a Western Confederacy, united against the other parishes that too often have favoured Town and the East. Their agreement may be moot in any event, as Utter Crapaud has learnt that a St Ouennais expeditionary force was dispatched in the early hours of the morning to capture Big Verns and Les Mielles Golf Club.  Mr Ecobichon told Utter Crapaud in his first official interview that

“We now control 80% of the Island’s dolmen supplies and the best bloody surfing in the hemisphere. If you want to play golf you better get used to playing by Confederacy Rules. The Royal can fuck right off.”

Security has been stepped up by Trinity Honorary Police at The Hungry Man who fear that St Ouen aims to consolidate its hold on morning-after-the-night-before hangover food with The Splash, El Tico and Big Verns already in its grasp.

Until St Peter concedes to join the Confederacy, aeroplanes will not be permitted to fly over St Ouen airspace and the Les Landes battery has been brought back into active service. Utter Crapaud has learnt that some technical difficulties with the rangefinder have so far led to the demolishing of St George’s Estate, the remains of Grosnez Castle and an ice-cream van parked at La Braye Slipway.
  

Reports from our Business Editor have shown that the City has responded favourably to the succession and that the Parish intends to market itself as an alternative tax haven, offering a 10% income tax rate and 0% GST. The St. Ouennais Executive expect a rush in migration when these figures are made public. Oil has also been reported to have been struck at La Saline.

There will be a live televised rally at 7pm tonight on Channel TV from the former Les Landes Racecourse (now the St Ouen Peoples Parade Ground and Military Barracks) where the Western Chief Minister and First Sisterwife Mrs Ecobicon will be taking the salute.