THE redeveloped site of the former Pontins holiday camp at Portelet is to become the setting for the follow up to the year 2000 blockbuster movie ‘The Beach’ starring Leonardo DiCaprio. The plot picks up ten years after the last left off. The protagonist Richard; former backpacker, pleasure seeker and bong hitter, has returned to England and is now leading the life of a lonely investment banker miserably wishing he was a decade younger and surrounded by semi-naked promiscuous French women.
A secret map and glossy ‘artist’s impression’ brochure pushed under his office door by the mysterious character known only as ‘Dan Dare’ promises a release from his nights of Sainsburys Ready Meals and guilty masturbation. It tells of a divine world of ‘majestic shorelines, pristine air and personal oases’ – all complimented by neutral furniture and deceptive photography.
For only £69 plus booking fee, luggage fee, seat booking fee, toilet fee, lifejacket fee and oxygen fee Richard secures a flight to Jersey. But instead of the carefree village of drunken, gurning twenty-somethings that he left in Thailand, he finds the even more forbidden world of 1(1)K residents living in a secret gated commune with access to their own private beach.
Accepted into the community by ‘The Agent’ Richard marvels at the lengths the residents will go to ensure their privacy and tax status are kept secret. Within just a few short days of joining he is invited to take pot shots off the cliffs with a BB Gun at the ‘Outsiders’ who are trying to gain access to the beach on surfboards. The Outsiders, Richard is told, are the others who live on the Island and believe they should be able to share the beach with the commune. But it is completely and utterly forbidden. Some Outsiders, one commune member tells Richard in disgust, own only one car.
The Director told Jersey Crapaud
“You thought you saw some disgusting scenes in Slumdog Millionaire, 28 Days Later and Trainspotting. At least the rats in those films didn’t wear suits and tell you about the 'dramatic granite cliffs, with the sea rolling in to an idyllic sandy cove with quizzical rock formations.' We wanted to portray the most hedonistic community that mankind could imagine stuffed into 46 apartments and 7 houses.”
“And the inhabitants are just as captivatingly disturbing. The dead baby scene in Trainspotting has got nothing on a 7 stone, 40 year old Yummy Mummy giving into temptation and hoovering up a Waitrose Raspberry Pavlova like it was a line of crack before downing her 11am glass of Chablis.”
The developers of the site were keen to promote the film
“We hope that this will be the first in our sponsored movie series; we intend to shoot a new version of the Wizard of Oz with Narina Pallot as Dorothy when The Beach 2 wraps. In it Doroth will go on a quest for planning permission to the Emerald City, encountering an increasing number of straw men on the way, before finally meeting the Great Big Head and getting everything she asked for; after all there’s no place like home... or even 182 new homes (with communal terrace and underground parking)!”
“We’d originally intended on housing the Munchkins in Spectrum, but they complained the rooms were too small.”
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