YOUR MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER'S HAIRDRESSER TO BECOME ARTS CENTRE PATRON

An artists impression of the new Auditorium interior

CAFÉ JAC at the Jersey Arts Centre will start a £1 million refit next month, backed by hairdresser and part-time actress Jane Mauleverer (42) of St Clement. As well as being a member of the Jersey Green Room Club, JADC, ACT, the Samares Players and the Benests of Millbrook Wandering Minstrels, Mrs Mauleverer has also been an extra in Midsomer Murders, was interviewed by ITV2 whilst queuing for The X Factor auditions and once opened a fete in Shrewsbury.

The extension to Café JAC will come as a relief to anyone who has queued in the pissing rain with a hangover on a Saturday morning for a seat at the curiously popular venue, before chomping down on an artery clogging Big JAC. Consistent complaints about queues for the free water refills and lack of seating in the Pretentious Art Nook have led the owners and Arts Centre Management to rethink the layout of the entire venue.  

From September of this year the auditorium will be transformed into a full service café and restaurant with licensed shots bar and cocktail lounge, whilst all performances will be moved to the al fresco decking area, with folding chairs or beanbags available for the audience.

An Arts Centre spokesperson commented

“Frankly, we only fill about four or five rows of seats for every show, except when the Eisteddfod is on and then we get shitloads of simpering parents come to watch their snotty eleven year old recite ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling, as if they were the next Poet Laureate. It’s either that or the schools forcing pubescent teenagers to sit through an interpretative dance version of Hamlet.  The most successful play we hosted this year had the word ‘cock’ in it about every 30 seconds, and even then people left at the interval.” 

Mrs Mauleverer said that she was

“proud to be doing [her] bit for the local arts and beverage industry”

and is sure

“people will want some entertainment whilst they queue to get into the Berni Nightclub and Lounge. Why pay £40 to watch a televised version of Tosca and all that shit at the Opera House when you can see a drag version of the Best of Broadway here and get hammered at the same time?"

The Jersey Arts Centre has become infamous locally for its groundbreaking and edgy young persons theatre group YoofARTED who often incorporate nudity or swearing into their work; a trend the group hope to continue in their Summer 2011 musical mash up of The Vagina Monologues and RENT simply entitled ‘C**T’.