ST OUEN TO SECEDE FROM STATES AND FORM WESTERN CONFEDERACY

ST. Ouen announced this morning that it has had enough of being the butt of Island jokes and intends to secede from the States to form an internationally recognised independent territory in the west of the Island.

Road blocks appeared overnight on Le Chemin de L’Eglise, Mont de Sainte Marie and the Five Mile Road controlling 95% of the access into the Parish. All motorists approaching the barricades were turned back by members of the Jersey Rifle Association brandishing shotguns, pistols, AK47s and a remarkably well maintained Occupation-era anti tank gun. Cannon shots were also reported to have been fired from the top of Kempt Tower Vistor Centre at Condor Vitesse as it passed along the coast.  

Former Connetable Jean “Drystonewall” Ecobichon has been elected Chief Minister of the independent state by the popular vote and has set up Ministerial Headquarters at the Old Farmers Inn. He has demanded that the other Parishes concede immediately that not all St Ouennais are inbred, tractor driving, patois speaking farmhands. Some of them now also speak English.

It is speculated that members of St Ouen Executive are already in talks with the people of St. Peter to join with them in forming a Western Confederacy, united against the other parishes that too often have favoured Town and the East. Their agreement may be moot in any event, as Utter Crapaud has learnt that a St Ouennais expeditionary force was dispatched in the early hours of the morning to capture Big Verns and Les Mielles Golf Club.  Mr Ecobichon told Utter Crapaud in his first official interview that

“We now control 80% of the Island’s dolmen supplies and the best bloody surfing in the hemisphere. If you want to play golf you better get used to playing by Confederacy Rules. The Royal can fuck right off.”

Security has been stepped up by Trinity Honorary Police at The Hungry Man who fear that St Ouen aims to consolidate its hold on morning-after-the-night-before hangover food with The Splash, El Tico and Big Verns already in its grasp.

Until St Peter concedes to join the Confederacy, aeroplanes will not be permitted to fly over St Ouen airspace and the Les Landes battery has been brought back into active service. Utter Crapaud has learnt that some technical difficulties with the rangefinder have so far led to the demolishing of St George’s Estate, the remains of Grosnez Castle and an ice-cream van parked at La Braye Slipway.
  

Reports from our Business Editor have shown that the City has responded favourably to the succession and that the Parish intends to market itself as an alternative tax haven, offering a 10% income tax rate and 0% GST. The St. Ouennais Executive expect a rush in migration when these figures are made public. Oil has also been reported to have been struck at La Saline.

There will be a live televised rally at 7pm tonight on Channel TV from the former Les Landes Racecourse (now the St Ouen Peoples Parade Ground and Military Barracks) where the Western Chief Minister and First Sisterwife Mrs Ecobicon will be taking the salute.

APRIL FOOLING AROUND ANSWER REVEALED

FOR all those curious readers out there, the answer to Friday’s April Fools question was B.

In October 2010, BBC Jersey ran the online Headline “‘Catstrophic decline’ of shags”.

Don’t believe us? Here it is:

 

SEQUEL TO INDIE CLASSIC ‘THE BEACH’ TO BE FILMED AT PORTELET BAY DEVELOPMENT

THE redeveloped site of the former Pontins holiday camp at Portelet is to become the setting for the follow up to the year 2000 blockbuster movie ‘The Beach’ starring Leonardo DiCaprio. The plot picks up ten years after the last left off. The protagonist Richard; former backpacker, pleasure seeker and  bong hitter, has returned to England and is now leading the life of a lonely investment banker miserably wishing he was a decade younger and surrounded by semi-naked promiscuous French women.

A secret map and glossy ‘artist’s impression’ brochure pushed under his office door by the mysterious character known only as ‘Dan Dare’ promises a release from his nights of Sainsburys Ready Meals and guilty masturbation.  It tells of a divine world of ‘majestic shorelines, pristine air and personal oases’ – all complimented by neutral furniture and deceptive photography.  

For only £69 plus booking fee, luggage fee, seat booking fee, toilet fee, lifejacket fee and oxygen fee Richard secures a flight to Jersey.  But instead of the carefree village of drunken, gurning twenty-somethings that he left in Thailand, he finds the even more forbidden world of 1(1)K residents living in a secret gated commune with access to their own private beach.

Accepted into the community by ‘The Agent’ Richard marvels at the lengths the residents will go to ensure their privacy and tax status are kept secret. Within just a few short days of joining he is invited to take pot shots off the cliffs with a BB Gun  at the ‘Outsiders’ who are trying to gain access to the beach on surfboards. The Outsiders, Richard is told, are the others who live on the Island and believe they should be able to share the beach with the commune. But it is completely and utterly forbidden. Some Outsiders, one commune member tells Richard in disgust, own only one car.

The Director told Jersey Crapaud 

“You thought you saw some disgusting scenes in Slumdog Millionaire, 28 Days Later and Trainspotting. At least the rats in those films didn’t wear suits and tell you about the 'dramatic granite cliffs, with the sea rolling in to an idyllic sandy cove with quizzical rock formations.' We wanted to portray the most hedonistic community that mankind could imagine stuffed into 46 apartments and 7 houses.”

“And the inhabitants are just as captivatingly disturbing. The dead baby scene in Trainspotting has got nothing on a 7 stone, 40 year old Yummy Mummy giving into temptation and hoovering up a Waitrose Raspberry Pavlova like it was a line of crack before downing her 11am glass of Chablis.”

The developers of the site were keen to promote the film

“We hope that this will be the first in our sponsored movie series; we intend to shoot a new version of the Wizard of Oz with Narina Pallot as Dorothy when The Beach 2 wraps. In it Doroth will go on a quest for planning permission to the Emerald City, encountering an increasing number of straw men on the way, before finally meeting the Great Big Head and getting everything she asked for; after all there’s no place like home... or even 182 new homes (with communal terrace and underground parking)!”

“We’d originally intended on housing the Munchkins in Spectrum, but they complained the rooms were too small.”

YOUR MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER'S HAIRDRESSER TO BECOME ARTS CENTRE PATRON

An artists impression of the new Auditorium interior

CAFÉ JAC at the Jersey Arts Centre will start a £1 million refit next month, backed by hairdresser and part-time actress Jane Mauleverer (42) of St Clement. As well as being a member of the Jersey Green Room Club, JADC, ACT, the Samares Players and the Benests of Millbrook Wandering Minstrels, Mrs Mauleverer has also been an extra in Midsomer Murders, was interviewed by ITV2 whilst queuing for The X Factor auditions and once opened a fete in Shrewsbury.

The extension to Café JAC will come as a relief to anyone who has queued in the pissing rain with a hangover on a Saturday morning for a seat at the curiously popular venue, before chomping down on an artery clogging Big JAC. Consistent complaints about queues for the free water refills and lack of seating in the Pretentious Art Nook have led the owners and Arts Centre Management to rethink the layout of the entire venue.  

From September of this year the auditorium will be transformed into a full service café and restaurant with licensed shots bar and cocktail lounge, whilst all performances will be moved to the al fresco decking area, with folding chairs or beanbags available for the audience.

An Arts Centre spokesperson commented

“Frankly, we only fill about four or five rows of seats for every show, except when the Eisteddfod is on and then we get shitloads of simpering parents come to watch their snotty eleven year old recite ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling, as if they were the next Poet Laureate. It’s either that or the schools forcing pubescent teenagers to sit through an interpretative dance version of Hamlet.  The most successful play we hosted this year had the word ‘cock’ in it about every 30 seconds, and even then people left at the interval.” 

Mrs Mauleverer said that she was

“proud to be doing [her] bit for the local arts and beverage industry”

and is sure

“people will want some entertainment whilst they queue to get into the Berni Nightclub and Lounge. Why pay £40 to watch a televised version of Tosca and all that shit at the Opera House when you can see a drag version of the Best of Broadway here and get hammered at the same time?"

The Jersey Arts Centre has become infamous locally for its groundbreaking and edgy young persons theatre group YoofARTED who often incorporate nudity or swearing into their work; a trend the group hope to continue in their Summer 2011 musical mash up of The Vagina Monologues and RENT simply entitled ‘C**T’.

APRIL FOOLING AROUND

Here at UTTER CRAPAUD we’re doing things a bit differently this April Fools day!

Whilst most news sites post a spoof story with their real ones, we’re asking you to spot the real headline from amidst our regular line-up of lies and half-truths.

Which of these headlines has appeared in local media (be it in print or online) in last 12 months?

Is it:

a) Police finger rowdy youths in St Helier!

b) Catastrophic decline of shags!

c) Pensioner struck by unruly seaman!

An unruly Seaman today

 

FORT REGENT BECOMES OPEN PRISON FOR REPEAT YOUTH OFFENDERS

Once a place for childhood fun, soon HMP Fort Regent will be a

home for every teenage drunk, arsonist and sex pest in the Island.

FORT Regent is to be given a new lease of life as Jersey’s first open prison. The 27 acre white elephant overlooking town will finally have a purpose housing the degenerate and drunken youth of the Island who insist on getting pissed, burning things and complaining that the States don’t provide anything for them to do unlike their stamp collecting, aeroplane enthusiast peers.

Following the States new ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’ campaign that began with the boarding up of the old swimming pool, any youth convicted of a second offence - be it speeding, cockfighting or organising a military overthrow of the Government  - will be issued with a one way ticket to HMP Fort Regent.

The five Active Card members who currently use the sports facilities at the Fort have said that they’ll miss the smell of sweaty gym socks, veruca cream and asbestos that pervade the building. Steve Pearce, who has used the Fort every day for the past 15 years commented

“I’ll miss the winding dark corridors to the squash courts that evoke Jack the Ripper London,  but I guess I’ll just have to stump up for a Fitness First membership like everyone else.”

The conversion cost for the project is estimated to be some £14.5million. Commenting on the figure, the Home Affairs Minster said

“Admittedly we could spend this vast amount of money on a comprehensive youth rehabilitation programme AND create a state of the art sports and entertainment facility at the Fort – but frankly we’re never going to get anyone to perform in an auditorium over here; just look how shit Simply the Best was. But it’s killing two birds with one stone if we turn it into a Prison! I’ve seen kids like these in my days as a Magistrate, better to stick them in one place and let them fight it out for clean needles in the Jungle Gym Ball and Syringe Pit.”

All guards at the Prison will be dressed as the former leisure centre’s mascot Humphrey the Lion. As one of the guards commented

"There’s nothing like coming off a high of weed killer and mothballs to see a 6ft 5 anthropomorphic lion armed with a sub machine gun telling you to strip to put you off a life of crime”

“We’re thinking of putting cameras in and broadcasting it live on Channel TV. It’ll be a bit like Battle Royale meets Funhouse.”

OTHER NEWS IN BRIEF

• Police on fact finding trip to Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean in effort to work out where Curtis Warren may have hidden ‘loot’
• Private school parents in shock as cuts announced to Lacrosse C Team champagne budget

BREAKING NEWS: TREASURY DEPARTMENT CONFIRMS THAT IT WILL WED PLANNING AND ENVIRONMENT THIS SPRING

Senator Ozouf said he was the 'Happiest Minister in the World' at the

official engagement ceremony this morning.