Friday, 8 April 2011


STAFF working for the government in Jersey will be required to store, distil and drink the water extracted from their own urine to meet new environmental targets set by the States.

All States of Jersey departments have to reduce energy and water consumption by 10% and cut the "harmful effects of travel" by 15%.

Faeces from the toilets at all States premises will also be separated from other waste and stored in a spare office at Cyril Le Marquand House until it can be used to insulate the roof of the building. The office, believed to be on the same floor as the Income Tax Department, is where other distasteful States refuse - including old election manifestos and all of Ted Vibert’s petitions - can be found. Asked if they were worried about a possible leak of toxic material, the Income Tax Department said it was highly unlikely that any of the 2010 tax returns would manage to seep into the room.

Richard Pritchard, from the Environment Department told Utter Crapaud

“On the energy front we have looked into the viability of a Matrix-like solution where all States employees are ‘plugged’ into our power network and we run the computers and air conditioning system off the energy we convert from their body heat. Unfortunately the only way we’ve established to do this so far is by using a cross between a big fuck-off anal dildo and a colonic irrigation system. Frankly we haven’t had the biggest uptake.”
“Our dream is to one day have all public sector workers come into the office in the morning, lube up, bend over and take one for the team; pretty much like we’ve been doing to the general public all these years.”
As far as transport goes, pogo sticks, unicycles and space hoppers are being distributed by DVS to the various other departments for their use. One DVS employee commented
“If we’re not going to be able to deal with cars anymore, at least we can have a fucking good laugh at everyone else’s expense”.

It is also reported that Deputy Wimberley will circulate around the Island on a tandem bicycle picking up any stragglers trying to walk in from St Catherine.

The Environment Department have agreed the targets are tough, but have denied that the urine recycling scheme is taking things to far.
"We’ve been taking the piss for years. It’s time we gave some back."

Thursday, 7 April 2011


A Delighted Ian Gorst today

Social Security Minister Ian Gorst today revealed that he has been a zombie for the duration of his States career and that he hopes that his success as an undead Politician will lead others to consider working not only past retirement, but past death as well.

In fact, the Minister plans to bring a proposal to the States in the coming months that will see the retirement age pushed to at least ten years after death, in a bid to tackle the next financial crisis looming for the Island.

Dressed in a gray suit with pallid skin and a sombre face, Mr Gorst (known as Igorst to friends) was every bit the picture of health for a man ten years past vitality. He told Utter Crapaud

“This scheme will finally be the breakthrough that Social Security has been looking for all these years! It will enable the public to keep on working until the world ends, or until the States deficit has been paid off – whichever comes first.”

“We’re faced with an aging population and our choices are limited – massive taxation or living death. In essence you have the option for either the Treasury and Resources Department to bleed you dry or for a vampire to do it; so it’s Senator Ozouf whichever path you choose.

The response of the general public has been mixed to positive. Mark Duchemin from St Lawrence told us

“I’ve worked as a senior accounts clerk for a mid sized trust company for the last twenty years. I can’t see how eternity as a middle management zombie would be any different.”

Ransoms have reported a moderate boost in the sales of garlic, wooden steaks and pitchforks.

Wednesday, 6 April 2011


[*Delete as appropriate]

Dust off your [barbecue/ husky sled]!

Local meteorologists were astounded today that we might actually be having some really [hot/cold] weather that is different to the usual [cold/hot] weather that we have every time this year.

This weather may in fact be the [hottest/coldest] type of weather since records began sometime in the [1800s/mid-sixties].

It is so [hot/cold] in fact that some Jersey cows have [spontaneously combusted/ started producing ice cream].

It is likely to get even [hotter/colder] later in the month with temperatures expected to reach [1740.0 °C/ absolute zero].
Forecaster, Jeremy Foot, said: "We will see a [lovely day/blizzard] today; temperatures should reach a point where [the pavement melts/ your testicals freeze and fall off].

[Insert generic weather forecast picture drawn by a child]:


A GROUP of Jersey flag enthusiasts are reportedly horrified to have learnt that the States are intent on selling advertising space on the Island flag to local and national companies.

A competitive pricing scheme will see a yearly rental of £100,000 for a full quadrant of the flag, £50,000 for half a quadrant and £10,000 for the space on the back. [Is this right? – Ed]

A spokesperson from the Chief Minister’s office said
“Look at all that white space! The flag’s original designers must have known that one day there would be a lucrative opportunity for us to cream money off the back of the symbol of our Island’s independence.”

She also handed us a draft of how the 2011/2012 flag design may look:


A leading member of the Jersey Flag Group told us
“This is just one of the many sort of things we don’t approve of! In fact, we’ve drawn up quite a comprehensive guide to how the flag should look, its dimensions, days when it should be flown, days when it shouldn’t be flown…”

An extract from the 482 point guide is as follows:
‘The flag should never be flown if:

a) It is frayed
b) It is upside down
c) A member of the Royal Family is wearing yellow
d) The Bailiff’s trousers have caught fire
e) The Island is underwater
f) The leopards are facing away from the flagpole
g) The leopards are humping the flagpole
h) One of the leopards has run away
i) The second Thursday of the current month coincides with a full moon
j) …

The guide is also very clear on which other flags may NOT be flown in Jersey:




Tuesday, 5 April 2011


The Transport minister, Constable Mike Jackson, wants to see arbitrary speed limits in force throughout the island.
If changes go ahead, the limit on nearly 200 miles of roads will be randomly generated on a day to day basis by a TTS supercomputer and then posted live to the roadside using wireless LED signs.
TTS are currently running an online simulation of the programme which they hope will confuse and scare so many drivers that it will effectively bring traffic in the Island to a standstill, thereby preventing any accidents that may occur as a result of reckless driving.
As an example, a trip from town to the Airport this Wednesday would see a leisurely crawl of 25mph along the La Route de St Aubin, dropping to 15mph along La Route de La Haule, before a 70mph sprint up Route de Beaumont, followed by 40mph along L’Avenue de La Reine Elizabeth II, dropping briefly to 10mph outside St Peter’s Garden Centre.
The supercomputer also has the option to reverse the direction of traffic along major routes, and to impose pointless diversions that would lead drivers on a ten mile round journey to reach a destination achievable by exiting the car and walking ten metres. These diversions will be put in place by a specially constructed algorithm that ensures they come into effect at the most awkward times, for example the first day back after school holidays, or when a small child in the car desperately requires the toilet.    
Looking at the data generated by the simulation, the Minister questioned if the policy had actually been in effect for the last 10 years, but nobody had bothered telling the public.

Monday, 4 April 2011


A Jerseyman who claims he is the illegitimate son of Lord Vader is taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights.

Mr Luke Skywalker (56) of St Mary has spent eight years trying to prove his identity.

He now wants the European Court to rule that the Sith Government is discriminating against illegitimate children in their rights to the Imperial succession.

Mr Skywalker is adamant he is the love child of Darth Vader, who died a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

Mr Skywalker said: "I recently became one with the force and met with the disembodied spirit of a former Jersey Jedi who told me that despite thinking my father was a spider crab trawlerman from Victoria Village, I was actually the son of a Dark Lord of the Sith destined to bring balance to the force. Clearly a Jedi wouldn’t just make that that up!”

In 1955, the year Mr Skywalker was born, Lord Vader, then Anakin Skywalker, and Padme Amadala were making headlines.

Mr Skywalker is not claiming to know who his mother is, but his evidence that Lord Vader is his father is based on somewhat flimsy memories.

He believes that, as a child, he met Lord Varder onboard an Imperial Star Destroyer and was told that one day they would rule the Galaxy as Father and Son.

Luke Skywalker has long battled to inspect the wills of Lord Vader and former Emperor Palpatine - because he believes they may hold clues to his identity.

But in 2008, the Royal Court branded his motives irrational and scandalous.

Now, with heading to the European Court of Human Rights, he is trying a different tact.

Mr Skywalker claims the Sith Government is ignoring the rights of illegitimate children when it comes to Imperial succession. He says if he wins his case, government officials would no longer be able to say the disclosure of an illegitimate child would damage the Intergalactic Empire.

The European Court of Human Rights has acknowledged Mr Skywalker's application, and says it is being processed.

But even if he gets his case heard, it will not mean he has any rights to succession, as Mr Skywalker still faces the problem of proving he is one with the force.


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