Friday, 8 April 2011


STAFF working for the government in Jersey will be required to store, distil and drink the water extracted from their own urine to meet new environmental targets set by the States.

All States of Jersey departments have to reduce energy and water consumption by 10% and cut the "harmful effects of travel" by 15%.

Faeces from the toilets at all States premises will also be separated from other waste and stored in a spare office at Cyril Le Marquand House until it can be used to insulate the roof of the building. The office, believed to be on the same floor as the Income Tax Department, is where other distasteful States refuse - including old election manifestos and all of Ted Vibert’s petitions - can be found. Asked if they were worried about a possible leak of toxic material, the Income Tax Department said it was highly unlikely that any of the 2010 tax returns would manage to seep into the room.

Richard Pritchard, from the Environment Department told Utter Crapaud

“On the energy front we have looked into the viability of a Matrix-like solution where all States employees are ‘plugged’ into our power network and we run the computers and air conditioning system off the energy we convert from their body heat. Unfortunately the only way we’ve established to do this so far is by using a cross between a big fuck-off anal dildo and a colonic irrigation system. Frankly we haven’t had the biggest uptake.”
“Our dream is to one day have all public sector workers come into the office in the morning, lube up, bend over and take one for the team; pretty much like we’ve been doing to the general public all these years.”
As far as transport goes, pogo sticks, unicycles and space hoppers are being distributed by DVS to the various other departments for their use. One DVS employee commented
“If we’re not going to be able to deal with cars anymore, at least we can have a fucking good laugh at everyone else’s expense”.

It is also reported that Deputy Wimberley will circulate around the Island on a tandem bicycle picking up any stragglers trying to walk in from St Catherine.

The Environment Department have agreed the targets are tough, but have denied that the urine recycling scheme is taking things to far.
"We’ve been taking the piss for years. It’s time we gave some back."

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